W. Shakespeare Note: The Author apologizes for any inconsistencies in the design of the text; she has completely lost faith in the human ability to create a well-designed free program and has therefore abandoned all attempts at making Wikispaces behave, realizing that these are hopeless, if not futile. Audio Clips IntroductionIn case any of the visitors to this page are thick enough not to have realized this already, the following conversation never actually happened. Big surprise, right? I should hope not, for as far as I know, kumquats are not once mentioned in the holiest of books, the Bible. That said, I will now commence to explain why a conversation which never happened is actually one of the most important conversations that ever happened.
Now, if I wasn't aware of the fact that every word I type on this page will be graded beginning at 8 a.m. sharp tomorrow morning by a teacher with a reputation surprisingly similar to that of Miss Trunchbull, my sole reason for any of the following's importance would be: "Because I said so". However, years of conventional schooling have taught me that the unusual is usually called "special" and then given an F. How lovely. It is this logic that brings me to the conclusion that I should explain to my dearest readers (however few of you there may be) that the following was written by a young English student following her reading of Genesis in order to characterize God and Adam as blatantly as possible (without being too obvious, of course).
This conversation taketh place between God and Adam (and at one point the serpent) regarding the creation of Eve and God's fiendish, megalomaniacal scheme to make women inferior to men for the rest of eternity, just because men look more like Him.
The entire project is displayed on this page, including the dialogue itself, a recording of it read by yours truly (with a little bit of help), an analysis of said dialogue, further analyses of the characters through quotations taken from the Bible and portrayals by various artists, a Webspiration chart mapping said characteristics, my reflection on the project overall, and last, but certainly not least, a carefully-crafted MLA style citation list which will hopefully garner full points, even if nothing else does.Dialogue *Cellphone rings* after a few buzzes it is picked up.
Adam: Hello?
God (heard as if from over the phone, though in a very stereotypical God-talking-from-heaven voice): Adam! Adam!
Adam (rudely): Who is this?
God: The Lord!
Adam: Serpent? Is that you again? I thought we went over this yesterday: No more prank calls!
God (normal voice): Adam, this really is the Lord.
Adam: That's just hilarious, I'm laughing so hard the ground's begun to shake. . . Wait! What? What's going on here? The ground is shaking!
God: Now do you believe me Adam?
Adam: Yes Lord! Oh, sorry Lord!
God (sounding satisfied): Adam, do you have time to talk?
Duck
Adam: Sorry, Lord, I'm a little busy at the moment. I'm trying to decide what to call this tall spotted animal. What do you think? Giraffe or Duck?
God: *sigh* That's not important at the moment. Listen, Adam. We need to talk. When are you free?
Adam: Yeah, I think Duck is a good name. We'll stick with Duck. So, what were you saying, o Lord?
God *facepalm*: I don't care what you're doing or about all those stupid animals. Listen, Adam, I'll be in Eden in a few minutes. Lay down your plow and meet me at the center of the garden.
Adam: But, Lord, I've only named 324 animals! That's 6 behind schedule!
God: This is important, Adam. I have something for you. And besides, I am God. And you are MY creation.
Adam (pause as he considers it): You have a point. And fire and brimstone aren't all what they're cracked up to be. Be right there.
God: Smart decision, Adam.
*Click as the line goes dead.*
Adam (cursing under his breath): Stupid God, thinks he can tell me what to do all the time and I'll listen. Thinks I'm at his beck and call. Well I'll show him one day, I'll—
God (voice booming down as if from the heavens—no phone this time): I can hear you, you know.
Adam (in a very small, apologetic voice): Oh, sorry Lord! Coming, Lord! Coming right away!
God: *is very, very silent, but obviously there*
Adam (under his breath): Damn the Lord! Sorry, Lord! * * *
Now, everyone knows what happened next: God put Adam to sleep and took one of his ribs from which he created Eve. But while God's creations slept, a conversation unremembered took place between God and the serpent.
God: Now that I've created the woman, we can put our plan into action.
Serpent (very hissy voice): Yessssssssssss.
God: Stop rubbing your hands together. It's reminding me of a bad horror film from the eighties.
Serpent: A what from the what?
God: Oh sorry, I haven't invented those yet. All in good time.
Serpent: Anywaysssssssssssss. Oncsssssse the woman hassssssss eaten of the tree of the knowledge of life and death and sssssssshe hasssssss been duly punisssssssshed, I will recsssssseive my reward, correct?
God (sounding rather distracted): Yessssssssssss. I mean, yes.
Serpent: Good, good. And the man?
God: The entire point of the scheme is to make her inferior to him. It is her punishment for disobeying me. If you manage to make her eat of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil—
Serpent: Sssssssssssserioussssssssssssly, Lord. Change the name. Sssssssssssshorten it up!
God: You dare question me? *Pause* You're right though, it is a little long. How about the Tree?
Serpent: Ssssssssoundssssssss good to me. You were ssssssssaying?
God: Ah yes. Once Eve has eaten of the the tree, I will call her to me and I will make her confess. Then I shall punish her for her disobedience: she shall be placed below man, inferior to him always and childbirth will be for painful that it was.
Serpent: I ssssssssssee. And Adam? How doessssssssss he fit in?
God: He is a dull creature, but he looks like me and therefore is worthy of me and definitely superior to the woman. And not to mention I have put the fear of God in him. *under his breath: yellow dog* I will have to tell Adam of the plan, however. Otherwise he will prevent the woman from eating of the fruit of the tree.
Serpent: Why not tell him now, asssss the woman ssssssssleepsssssss?
God: I think I shall. Adam! Adam!
*dulled sounds as of a foot connecting with something soft*
Adam: *moans*
Serpent: Perhapsssssss it would be a good idea not to kick him in the ribsssssssss, ssssssseeing asssssss you jusssssssst took one...
God (deliberately ignoring the serpent): Adam, I command you to wake.
Adam (yawns): Whassgoinon?
God (impatiently): I have something urgent to impart to you.
Adam (sulkily): Oh Lord, and I was having a good dream too.
God: Leave us, Serpent.
Serpent: Yessssssss, my lordsssssssssss. Ssssssssorry. Lord, and other, lessssssss important, persssssssson.
Adam (another yawn): Whoszat?
God: Oh, wake up, you!
Adam (groggily): Coming, lord.
God: Get up, and come away from this place.
*sounds of shuffling and then a gasp from Adam, totally ignoring God*
Adam: Why *well the gasp actually comes about here*—What's that? Who was I sleeping with?
God: Shhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Come over here!
Adam: What was that about? And WHAT is that thing? Is it a new animal, because if it is, I'm backed up already and the creative juices REALLY haven't been flowing for a couple of days and—
God: Oh, will you shut up?
Adam (meekly): Yes, Lord. Sorry, Lord.
God: Good, now stand up straight. Right! That thing, as you call it, over there is Eve—
Adam: An Eve? What's an Eve? And why couldn't I name it?
God: Eve, not an Eve, you idiot! And she's not an animal. She's a woman. Like you. I mean, not like you! But of the same species as you.
Adam: Species?
God (to himself): I new I never should've read that book! I find it harder and harder to believe my own teachings every day. Stupid Darwin. . . I should have smitten him long ago. I mean. . . in the future I should do it sooner. . . I mean. . . never mind. Stupid science.
*Adam coughs*
God: Oh, uh, sorry. I mean, not sorry! I never apologize! You didn't hear any of that, okay? Anyway, Eve shall be your wife.
Adam: My what?
God: This is more complicated than I'd expected. Let's see if I can make it any easier. . . (breaks into song) Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start—
Adam: Lord, that's already been done.
God: Already been done? What do you mean 'already been done'? How would you know anyway? I don't cause Rogers and Hammerstein to meet for another four or five millennia!
Adam: The Sound of Music was on channel 3 yesterday.
God: Oh. *pause* Well, then. *pause* Now, Adam, you see when a man and a woman—
Adam: What's a woman?
God (in case anybody cares he's tearing his hair out about now): Eve is a woman! I told you this!
Adam (cheerily): No you didn't.
God: Yes, I did.
Adam: No, you didn't.
God: I'm God! I'm omniscient! I know that I did!
Adam: Didn't.
God: I give up.
Adam: No you don't.
God: I'm am going to invent a word. It's—
Adam: No you're not.
God: Shut it! You're contrary! That's my new word! Contrary! So stop it!
Adam: Okay.
*Pause*
God: Now listen. I'm skipping everything you could have learned about life, the universe, and everything. Instead I'll cut to the chase: I have a plan, and you need to help me.
What Adam might have learned
*Pause*
God: You're not saying anything.
Adam: You told me not to.
God: I know that, but—this is getting me nowhere. You can talk, just not constantly. Your silence is unnerving.
Adam: Yes, Lord.
God: Okay, here's the plan: Serpent is going to help me trick Eve into eating the fruit of the tree.
Adam: What tree?
God: The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.
Adam: Oh, that tree. I thought you meant the other one; you know, the tree of life or whatever.
God: How do you know about that?
Adam: Even God shouldn't leave his diary open and unguarded.
God: But I don’t have a diary.
Adam: Okay, just checking.
God: ANYWAY. We're going to trick Eve into eating the forbidden fruit.
Adam: Gotcha. Trick Eve into eating the apple.
God (frustrated at Adam's seeming dimwittedness): What apple?
Adam (spoken as if trying to jog the memory of a dull toddler): The apple you just told me about. You know. . . the one from the tree... ?
God (through clenched teeth, trying to restrain himself): It’s. Not. An. Apple.
Adam: It isn’t?
God (not to Adam): Oh, those stupid Latins and their language! Atrocious, gutteral thing. And so hard to learn! Terror of my grade school life. . . Ms. Honeycutt was always going on about how it would help me later on in life whether I became the president or a plumber. . . but look at me now! I don't remember a single conjugation of 'esse' and I created the world in a week! A week I tell you! Nothing could ever even 'esse' without me!
Adam: Esse, fui, futurus. . . present. . . sum, es, est, sumus, estis, sunt. . . I think. . . Wait, Lord? Isn't it est? 'Nihil sine me est'?
God: That's not the point! Their stupid word 'malus' meant apple too! And all those pious idiots in cravates from the Western World thought 'Oh, God made it that way to tell us it was an apple'. Well I didn't! I didn't, I say!
Adam: You lost me at ‘Western World’.
God: Oh, never mind, never mind. Just call it the Forbidden Fruit. Though the poor thing’s actually a kumquat! Luckless, underrepresented fruit. Where they all get these ideas about oranges, figs, grapes, and even tomatoes, I don’t know. *(muttering to self)* Tomatoes! If the world had listened to Reagan, I’d’ve had my way and tomatoes wouldn’t even BE fruits!
Adam: Tomatoes and grapes don’t grow on trees, they—
God (interrupting him): I KNOW!
*pause, as God calms himself down, maybe some deep breathing for benefit of listeners*
God: Now Adam, you must not prevent her from eating the kumquat, er, Forbidden Fruit. It is crucial that she does so.
Adam: Why?
God: Man—that's you—is naturally superior to woman—that's Eve. For one thing, you more closely resemble me and for another. . . well actually I can't think of another reason. That one's really good anyway. But I can't tell Eve that or else she'll invent the concept of sexism way ahead of schedule. And the world has enough to deal with without that. So instead I shall trick her into disobeying me and therefore she will need to be punished. Her punishment will involve being inferior to man. Sound good? Basically all you have to do is do nothing.
Adam: I'm not so sure about this, Lord.
God: Why in my name not?
Adam: Well, I don't even know Eve yet. . . what if she's a really good person and doesn't deserve to be inferior to me? Or worse, what if she's really mean and powerful and she'll hurt me for not doing anything?
God: You'd disobey me because of that petty fear?
Adam: Well. . .
God: I am God. Are you still thinking of disobeying me?
Adam: Well, I don't think it's the right thing to do, you know. . .
God: NO, I don't.
Adam: Somehow I'm not surprised.
God: What was that?
Adam: Nothing, Lord, nothing!
God: Will you obey me?
Adam: Ummmmmm. . . well. . .
God: Fire and brimstone, Adam, fire and brimstone.
Adam (meekly, after a pause): Well, when you put it that way, of course I'll listen, Lord.
God: Wait, no more argument? I was gearing up to deal with your stubborn pig-headedness!
Adam: Would you prefer that I continued arguing, Lord?
God (sounding tired): No, no, it was just anticlimactic, is all.
Adam: I could fight a climactic battle, I suppose, Lord. Would that help?
God (very tired): With whom? Yourself? under his breath: Though I do imagine you’d be able to lose even then. normal voice: And besides, there’s no need. Just don't mention any of this to the Serpent. He thinks he’ll get a blessing or something in return for his services. Don't bother to correct him, but I just can't stand his slimy hands. Really, I think he’d be better off without them completely...
Adam: Okaaaaaaay. . .
God: Ah, well. Enough said about that slippery creature. Now go and wake Eve.
Adam: Who's Eve?
God (completely exasperated): Here we go again.
Dialogue Analysis God's extreme megalomania is the main focus of Shakespeare's dialogue as she shows in His constant cowing of His creation, Adam, and assertion of His own power. In doing so, God perfectly exemplifies megalomania: both the obsession with His own power and the desire to dominate others are apparent. Repeatedly, Shakespeare gives God the simple line "I am God" (Shakespeare 1,8) which He delivers always in order to remind Adam who created whom and who, by dint of that, holds all the cards. Shakespeare's simple wording lends the power to this statement; there is no long-winded explanation of why God is who He is or why He hasso much power, God expects his listeners to know this. The fact that God constantly repeats this line is evidence that He is constantly aware of Himself and how much power He wields, however it also lends very slightly to Shakespeare's characterization of God as defensive and perhaps a bit insecure, for why else would he need a constant reminder of His identity and power?
The defensiveness of Shakespeare's God is well-portrayed in other parts of the dialogue, as well. For instance, when God goes off on a rant about why the Forbidden Fruit is not an apple, He brings up His childhood and how He struggled in school with Latin, saying: "Terror of my grade school life. . . Ms. Honeycutt was always going on about how it would help me later on in life whether I became the president or a plumber. . . but look at me now! I don't remember a single conjugation of 'esse' and I created the world in a week!" (Shakespeare 7).
The point of this tangent was to convey to Adam God's dislike for Latin, not, as it ended up, to assert his power and accomplishments. The recitation of God's deeds, which is recorded elsewhere in more detail anyway, is completely unnecessary in this passage. God even emphasizes the scale of His accomplishment when He continues "A week I tell you!" (Shakespeare 7) almost shouting at His creation in order to ensure that Adam understands that God, his superior in every way, has absolutely no weaknesses, no matter what is elementary school teacher thought.
Needless to say, the opinion of anyone's second grade Latin teacher never matters beyond second grade and the fact that the idea of not being good enough at Latin still haunts God demonstrates His insecurity and dissatisfaction with Himself, while the assertion that He is better than anyone thought demonstrates His defensive attitude towards any type of questioning regarding His power or ability. Analyses As Adam is at heart a coward, he is subsequently submissive, hoping to shield himself from his fears. Following Adam and Eve's disobedience of God by eating the forbidden fruit, God calls to Adam, who reluctantly comes out of hiding to face his maker. Upon being asked by God why he did not answer him immediately, Adam replies "'I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself'" (Gen., 3.10). The redactors' use of the word 'hid' implies not only that Adam is fearful as his acknowledgment of being 'afraid' suggests, but that also he is cowardly as he does not have the bravery to face his fears, but instead attempts to conceal himself from them in the hope that they will eventually leave him alone.
In Genesis, Adam's cowardice is the root of his submission, a traitwhich is portrayed in Lucas the Elder's "Adam and Eve", where Eve lifts the forbidden fruit (shown as an apple) to Adam's mouth and Adam unquestioningly prepares to bite it. In the painting, Lucas the Elder shows Adam meekly caving into Eve's will as he accepts the apple from her hand.
In painting Adam leaning his head down slightly in order to accept the apple straight from Eve's hand, Lucas the Elder recalls the slightly bowed head of an obedient servant before his master in Adam's stance. This slight bob of the head is enough to clearly show which of the two is in command and that Adam acquiesces without complaint or protest in order to preserve his own well-being. However, such submission has quite the opposite effect for Adam; instead of ensuring his own happiness, his unwillingness to challenge Eve's decision results in his expulsion from paradisiacal Eden.
God's megalomania results in his defensive behavior. In Julius Schnorr von Carolsfeld's engraving "Creation, Day 1", God sunders the clouds with his hands, separating the dark and the light and from behind him radiate clear beams of the newly created light. In the etching, God looks grim—hardly happy in his creation—but from the commanding and imperious way von Carolsfeld draws his arms, it is easy to see that God is completelyaware of his power and enjoying using it.
Not only that, but God is also shown as looking down on the world and his creations, not out at the viewer, but down as if very thing were beneath him. Von Carolsfeld uses this grim downwards glance as well as the widespread arms to convey to the viewer that God has great power and knows it well, feeling himself superior to everything and everyone else. This divine megalomania leads God to want to protect his power, ending in his development of extreme defensiveness, as is demonstrated as the serpent tries to convince Eve to eat the forbidden fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. He tells her that "'[she] will not die for God knows that when [she] eat[s] of it, [her] eyes will be opened and [she] will be like God, knowing good and evil'" (Gen., 3.4-5).
The redactors' use of the words 'like God' illustrate that what God fears is not the actual fact of the knowledge that Adam and Eve will gain, but that they will have the same amount of power as he, therefore usurping his place as the omnipotent and omniscient being. That God goes to the extreme of banishing Adam and Eve from the garden of Eden forever to prevent such a thing exemplifies how strongly God covets his position and how willing he is to defend it, by any means.
Artists
Lucas the Elder
Lucas Cranach the Elder was a German painter and engraver best known for his portraits of contemporary leaders of the Protestant Reformation and his religious works. A friend of Martin Luther, he portrayed many of the Lutheran ideas in his works as the Reformation progressed as well as designed propaganda woodcuts for his friend. Cranach also developed the genre of the erotic nude—something not yet in vogue in the early sixteenth century. Lucas Cranach the Elder : Concise biography
von Carolsfeld
Julius Schnorr von Carolsfeld was a German artist in the nineteenth century whose first instructor in painting was his own father. Following this, von Carolsfeld traveled to Rome where he joined the Nazarenes, a group of painters whose goal was to revive the use of Christian allegories in art as well as to create "monumental art". Von Carolsfeld's last works were a series of Biblical engravings, including "Creation, Day One". Julius Schnorr von Carolsfeld : An Encyclopedia Britannica article detailing von Carolsfeld's life
Webspiration Chart
Reflection: A Few Words from ShakespeareI must admit that this dialogue turned out far better than I ever expected or hoped. I'm sure we were allotted some amazingly generous time period in which to complete the drafting of said dialogues by the esteemed Madame H_, however typically I did not make good use of said time and ended up writing the entire thing in about twenty minutes the night before it was due. Yes I know, not the type of thing a person's supposed to tell anyone, let alone the teacher that most likely keeps a cosh in her desk drawer to be used upon procrastinating students. But, this is supposed to be an honest reflection, is it not? And there you have it. My product of twenty minutes, jammed full of allusions to my favorite series. Surprisingly, throughout the editing process, I didn't feel it necessary to change anything much. I took out the very blatant references to Monty Python that were probably borderline plagiarism while uncredited, and made a few feeble attempts to add some sort of climax to my ten page slapstick tennis rally.
In the end I either deemed this too much work or really couldn't think of something, but either way, a stroke of brilliance hit while teaching myself to play "Hedwig's Theme" on the piano. Why not, in the midst of all the other one-liners, just add another one, making some joke about how there wasn't even a semblance of a climax, but instead, an anticlimax?
I share his high forehead, but really nothing else
All throughout the dialogue I had built suspense rather half-heartedly (there was more of an interest in jokes and random tangents on sexism, evolution, and the fortieth president of the US of A) and when I reached the point where a normal person would have placed an argument or battle, I had everyone's least favorite wimp, Adam, bow to God's will once again with barely an audible "Okay." Of course, I thought myself very clever and didn't even think of the possibility that certain teachers might not agree until the next day when I handed my manuscript in. I needn't have worried though, all the recognition the line got was a small, blue check. Whatever that means.
All in all, the script proved to be my favorite part of this entire project, most likely because it was the creative bit. Analytical writing does not come naturally to me at all and frustrates me, causing me, in every analytical piece I write, to reach a point where enough is enough and nothing more is happening to it. This is unfortunate, as I'm certain that with a little more tender loving care, my analytical writing would be quite a lot better, while instead it virtually stays on the same level all the time.
However the analytical writing for this assignment fell under two categories: analysis of another's work and analysis of something that I, Shakespeare, had written (and believe me, being able to say the words "I, Shakespeare," give one a fantastic confidence lift, particularly in matters of writing). The first was like any other analysis I've ever done: hard to relate to because I had absolutely no idea what the author had intended and was instead taking their words and twisting them around for my own use. As an argument-fanatic I say "What's not to love?" and as a fellow writer, I feel a slight pang for the meanings of the long-forgotten redactors.
But with my own words, I had no such problem. Once I had begun to write about a topic I feel strongly about—namely the mighty one's insecurity—I knew exactly what I was going to say and how, and the only problem I thing anyone might plausibly have with the product is the organization.
As for the rest of the project, I don't have much of an opinion either way except on one point: the use of this abominable program, Wikkispaces. I could rant to anyone for hours about the injustices this program did me and the feelings the horribly designed layout brought to the pit of my stomach every time I set eyes on that pasty blue background, but I will spare my readers for now. I'm sure everyone has had enough of my Penelope-rivaling complaining. Suffice to say that, I loved the concept of this project, but after the creative aspects—the dialogue and recording—were over and done with, the rest just made me want to scream. Citation
Bible
The New Oxford Annotated Bible. 1962. Ed. Michael D. Coogan. Augmented Third Edition ed. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2007. Print. New
Revised Standard Version.
The Importance of Kumquats
W. Shakespeare
Note: The Author apologizes for any inconsistencies in the design of the text; she has completely lost faith in the human ability to create a well-designed free program and has therefore abandoned all attempts at making Wikispaces behave, realizing that these are hopeless, if not futile.
Audio Clips
IntroductionIn case any of the visitors to this page are thick enough not to have realized this already, the following conversation never actually happened. Big surprise, right? I should hope not, for as far as I know, kumquats are not once mentioned in the holiest of books, the Bible. That said, I will now commence to explain why a conversation which never happened is actually one of the most important conversations that ever happened.
Now, if I wasn't aware of the fact that every word I type on this page will be graded beginning at 8 a.m. sharp tomorrow morning by a teacher with a reputation surprisingly similar to that of Miss Trunchbull, my sole reason for any of the following's importance would be: "Because I said so". However, years of conventional schooling have taught me that the unusual is usually called "special" and then given an F. How lovely.
This conversation taketh place between God and Adam (and at one point the serpent) regarding the creation of Eve and God's fiendish, megalomaniacal scheme to make women inferior to men for the rest of eternity, just because men look more like Him.
The entire project is displayed on this page, including the dialogue itself, a recording of it read by yours truly (with a little bit of help), an analysis of said dialogue, further analyses of the characters through quotations taken from the Bible and portrayals by various artists, a Webspiration chart mapping said characteristics, my reflection on the project overall, and last, but certainly not least, a carefully-crafted MLA style citation list which will hopefully garner full points, even if nothing else does. Dialogue
*Cellphone rings* after a few buzzes it is picked up.
Adam: Hello?
God (heard as if from over the phone, though in a very stereotypical God-talking-from-heaven voice): Adam! Adam!
Adam (rudely): Who is this?
God: The Lord!
Adam: Serpent? Is that you again? I thought we went over this yesterday: No more prank calls!
God (normal voice): Adam, this really is the Lord.
Adam: That's just hilarious, I'm laughing so hard the ground's begun to shake. . . Wait! What? What's going on here? The ground is shaking!
God: Now do you believe me Adam?
Adam: Yes Lord! Oh, sorry Lord!
God (sounding satisfied): Adam, do you have time to talk?
Adam: Sorry, Lord, I'm a little busy at the moment. I'm trying to decide what to call this tall spotted animal. What do you think? Giraffe or Duck?
God: *sigh* That's not important at the moment. Listen, Adam. We need to talk. When are you free?
Adam: Yeah, I think Duck is a good name. We'll stick with Duck. So, what were you saying, o Lord?
God *facepalm*: I don't care what you're doing or about all those stupid animals. Listen, Adam, I'll be in Eden in a few minutes. Lay down your plow and meet me at the center of the garden.
Adam: But, Lord, I've only named 324 animals! That's 6 behind schedule!
God: This is important, Adam. I have something for you. And besides, I am God. And you are MY creation.
Adam (pause as he considers it): You have a point. And fire and brimstone aren't all what they're cracked up to be. Be right there.
God: Smart decision, Adam.
*Click as the line goes dead.*
Adam (cursing under his breath): Stupid God, thinks he can tell me what to do all the time and I'll listen. Thinks I'm at his beck and call. Well I'll show him one day, I'll—
God (voice booming down as if from the heavens—no phone this time): I can hear you, you know.
Adam (in a very small, apologetic voice): Oh, sorry Lord! Coming, Lord! Coming right away!
God: *is very, very silent, but obviously there*
Adam (under his breath): Damn the Lord! Sorry, Lord!
* * *
Now, everyone knows what happened next: God put Adam to sleep and took one of his ribs from which he created Eve. But while God's creations slept, a conversation unremembered took place between God and the serpent.
God: Now that I've created the woman, we can put our plan into action.
Serpent (very hissy voice): Yessssssssssss.
God: Stop rubbing your hands together. It's reminding me of a bad horror film from the eighties.
Serpent: A what from the what?
God: Oh sorry, I haven't invented those yet. All in good time.
Serpent: Anywaysssssssssssss. Oncsssssse the woman hassssssss eaten of the tree of the knowledge of life and death and sssssssshe hasssssss been duly punisssssssshed, I will recsssssseive my reward, correct?
God (sounding rather distracted): Yessssssssssss. I mean, yes.
Serpent: Good, good. And the man?
God: The entire point of the scheme is to make her inferior to him. It is her punishment for disobeying me. If you manage to make her eat of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil—
Serpent: Sssssssssssserioussssssssssssly, Lord. Change the name. Sssssssssssshorten it up!
God: You dare question me? *Pause* You're right though, it is a little long. How about the Tree?
Serpent: Ssssssssoundssssssss good to me. You were ssssssssaying?
God: Ah yes. Once Eve has eaten of the the tree, I will call her to me and I will make her confess. Then I shall punish her for her disobedience: she shall be placed below man, inferior to him always and childbirth will be for painful that it was.
Serpent: I ssssssssssee. And Adam? How doessssssssss he fit in?
God: He is a dull creature, but he looks like me and therefore is worthy of me and definitely superior to the woman. And not to mention I have put the fear of God in him. *under his breath: yellow dog* I will have to tell Adam of the plan, however. Otherwise he will prevent the woman from eating of the fruit of the tree.
Serpent: Why not tell him now, asssss the woman ssssssssleepsssssss?
God: I think I shall. Adam! Adam!
*dulled sounds as of a foot connecting with something soft*
Adam: *moans*
Serpent: Perhapsssssss it would be a good idea not to kick him in the ribsssssssss, ssssssseeing asssssss you jusssssssst took one...
God (deliberately ignoring the serpent): Adam, I command you to wake.
Adam (yawns): Whassgoinon?
God (impatiently): I have something urgent to impart to you.
Adam (sulkily): Oh Lord, and I was having a good dream too.
God: Leave us, Serpent.
Serpent: Yessssssss, my lordsssssssssss. Ssssssssorry. Lord, and other, lessssssss important, persssssssson.
Adam (another yawn): Whoszat?
God: Oh, wake up, you!
Adam (groggily): Coming, lord.
God: Get up, and come away from this place.
*sounds of shuffling and then a gasp from Adam, totally ignoring God*
Adam: Why *well the gasp actually comes about here*—What's that? Who was I sleeping with?
God: Shhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Come over here!
Adam: What was that about? And WHAT is that thing? Is it a new animal, because if it is, I'm backed up already and the creative juices REALLY haven't been flowing for a couple of days and—
God: Oh, will you shut up?
Adam (meekly): Yes, Lord. Sorry, Lord.
God: Good, now stand up straight. Right! That thing, as you call it, over there is Eve—
Adam: An Eve? What's an Eve? And why couldn't I name it?
God: Eve, not an Eve, you idiot! And she's not an animal. She's a woman. Like you. I mean, not like you! But of the same species as you.
Adam: Species?
God (to himself): I new I never should've read that book! I find it harder and harder to believe my own teachings every day. Stupid Darwin. . . I should have smitten him long ago. I mean. . . in the future I should do it sooner. . . I mean. . . never mind. Stupid science.
*Adam coughs*
God: Oh, uh, sorry. I mean, not sorry! I never apologize! You didn't hear any of that, okay? Anyway, Eve shall be your wife.
Adam: My what?
God: This is more complicated than I'd expected. Let's see if I can make it any easier. . . (breaks into song) Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start—
Adam: Lord, that's already been done.
God: Already been done? What do you mean 'already been done'? How would you know anyway? I don't cause Rogers and Hammerstein to meet for another four or five millennia!
Adam: The Sound of Music was on channel 3 yesterday.
God: Oh. *pause* Well, then. *pause* Now, Adam, you see when a man and a woman—
Adam: What's a woman?
God (in case anybody cares he's tearing his hair out about now): Eve is a woman! I told you this!
Adam (cheerily): No you didn't.
God: Yes, I did.
Adam: No, you didn't.
God: I'm God! I'm omniscient! I know that I did!
Adam: Didn't.
God: I give up.
Adam: No you don't.
God: I'm am going to invent a word. It's—
Adam: No you're not.
God: Shut it! You're contrary! That's my new word! Contrary! So stop it!
Adam: Okay.
*Pause*
God: Now listen. I'm skipping everything you could have learned about life, the universe, and everything. Instead I'll cut to the chase: I have a plan, and you need to help me.
*Pause*
God: You're not saying anything.
Adam: You told me not to.
God: I know that, but—this is getting me nowhere. You can talk, just not constantly. Your silence is unnerving.
Adam: Yes, Lord.
God: Okay, here's the plan: Serpent is going to help me trick Eve into eating the fruit of the tree.
Adam: What tree?
God: The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.
Adam: Oh, that tree. I thought you meant the other one; you know, the tree of life or whatever.
God: How do you know about that?
Adam: Even God shouldn't leave his diary open and unguarded.
God: But I don’t have a diary.
Adam: Okay, just checking.
God: ANYWAY. We're going to trick Eve into eating the forbidden fruit.
Adam: Gotcha. Trick Eve into eating the apple.
God (frustrated at Adam's seeming dimwittedness): What apple?
Adam (spoken as if trying to jog the memory of a dull toddler): The apple you just told me about. You know. . . the one from the tree... ?
God (through clenched teeth, trying to restrain himself): It’s. Not. An. Apple.
Adam: It isn’t?
God (not to Adam): Oh, those stupid Latins and their language! Atrocious, gutteral thing. And so hard to learn! Terror of my grade school life. . . Ms. Honeycutt was always going on about how it would help me later on in life whether I became the president or a plumber. . . but look at me now! I don't remember a single conjugation of 'esse' and I created the world in a week! A week I tell you! Nothing could ever even 'esse' without me!
Adam: Esse, fui, futurus. . . present. . . sum, es, est, sumus, estis, sunt. . . I think. . . Wait, Lord? Isn't it est? 'Nihil sine me est'?
God: That's not the point! Their stupid word 'malus' meant apple too! And all those pious idiots in cravates from the Western World thought 'Oh, God made it that way to tell us it was an apple'. Well I didn't! I didn't, I say!
Adam: You lost me at ‘Western World’.
God: Oh, never mind, never mind. Just call it the Forbidden Fruit. Though the poor thing’s actually a kumquat! Luckless, underrepresented fruit. Where they all get these ideas about oranges, figs, grapes, and even tomatoes, I don’t know. *(muttering to self)* Tomatoes! If the world had listened to Reagan, I’d’ve had my way and tomatoes wouldn’t even BE fruits!
Adam: Tomatoes and grapes don’t grow on trees, they—
God (interrupting him): I KNOW!
*pause, as God calms himself down, maybe some deep breathing for benefit of listeners*
God: Now Adam, you must not prevent her from eating the kumquat, er, Forbidden Fruit. It is crucial that she does so.
Adam: Why?
God: Man—that's you—is naturally superior to woman—that's Eve. For one thing, you more closely resemble me and for another. . . well actually I can't think of another reason. That one's really good anyway. But I can't tell Eve that or else she'll invent the concept of sexism way ahead of schedule. And the world has enough to deal with without that. So instead I shall trick her into disobeying me and therefore she will need to be punished. Her punishment will involve being inferior to man. Sound good? Basically all you have to do is do nothing.
Adam: I'm not so sure about this, Lord.
God: Why in my name not?
Adam: Well, I don't even know Eve yet. . . what if she's a really good person and doesn't deserve to be inferior to me? Or worse, what if she's really mean and powerful and she'll hurt me for not doing anything?
God: You'd disobey me because of that petty fear?
Adam: Well. . .
God: I am God. Are you still thinking of disobeying me?
Adam: Well, I don't think it's the right thing to do, you know. . .
God: NO, I don't.
Adam: Somehow I'm not surprised.
God: What was that?
Adam: Nothing, Lord, nothing!
God: Will you obey me?
Adam: Ummmmmm. . . well. . .
God: Fire and brimstone, Adam, fire and brimstone.
Adam (meekly, after a pause): Well, when you put it that way, of course I'll listen, Lord.
God: Wait, no more argument? I was gearing up to deal with your stubborn pig-headedness!
Adam: Would you prefer that I continued arguing, Lord?
God (sounding tired): No, no, it was just anticlimactic, is all.
Adam: I could fight a climactic battle, I suppose, Lord. Would that help?
God (very tired): With whom? Yourself? under his breath: Though I do imagine you’d be able to lose even then. normal voice: And besides, there’s no need. Just don't mention any of this to the Serpent. He thinks he’ll get a blessing or something in return for his services. Don't bother to correct him, but I just can't stand his slimy hands. Really, I think he’d be better off without them completely...
Adam: Okaaaaaaay. . .
God: Ah, well. Enough said about that slippery creature. Now go and wake Eve.
Adam: Who's Eve?
God (completely exasperated): Here we go again.
Dialogue Analysis God's extreme megalomania is the main focus of Shakespeare's dialogue as she shows in His constant cowing of His creation, Adam, and assertion of His own power. In doing so, God perfectly exemplifies megalomania: both the obsession with His own power and the desire to dominate others are apparent. Repeatedly, Shakespeare gives God the simple line "I am God" (Shakespeare 1,8) which He delivers always in order to remind Adam who created whom and who, by dint of that, holds all the cards.
The defensiveness of Shakespeare's God is well-portrayed in other parts of the dialogue, as well. For instance, when God goes off on a rant about why the Forbidden Fruit is not an apple, He brings up His childhood and how He struggled in school with Latin, saying: "Terror of my grade school life. . . Ms. Honeycutt was always going on about how it would help me later on in life whether I became the president or a plumber. . . but look at me now! I don't remember a single conjugation of 'esse' and I created the world in a week!" (Shakespeare 7).
The point of this tangent was to convey to Adam God's dislike for Latin, not, as it ended up, to assert his power and accomplishments. The recitation of God's deeds, which is recorded elsewhere in more detail anyway, is completely unnecessary in this passage. God even emphasizes the scale of His accomplishment when He continues "A week I tell you!" (Shakespeare 7) almost shouting at His creation in order to ensure that Adam understands that God, his superior in every way, has absolutely no weaknesses, no matter what is elementary school teacher thought.
Needless to say, the opinion of anyone's second grade Latin teacher never matters beyond second grade and the fact that the idea of not being good enough at Latin still haunts God demonstrates His insecurity and dissatisfaction with Himself, while the assertion that He is better than anyone thought demonstrates His defensive attitude towards any type of questioning regarding His power or ability.
Analyses
As Adam is at heart a coward, he is subsequently submissive, hoping to shield himself from his fears. Following Adam and Eve's disobedience of God by eating the forbidden fruit, God calls to Adam, who reluctantly comes out of hiding to face his maker. Upon being asked by God why he did not answer him immediately, Adam replies "'I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself'"
In Genesis, Adam's cowardice is the root of his submission, a traitwhich is portrayed in Lucas the Elder's "Adam and Eve", where Eve lifts the forbidden fruit (shown as an apple) to Adam's mouth and Adam unquestioningly prepares to bite it. In the painting, Lucas the Elder shows Adam meekly caving into Eve's will as he accepts the apple from her hand.
In painting Adam leaning his head down slightly in order to accept the apple straight from Eve's hand, Lucas the Elder recalls the slightly bowed head of an obedient servant before his master in Adam's stance. This slight bob of the head is enough to clearly show which of the two is in command and that Adam acquiesces without complaint or protest in order to preserve his own well-being. However, such submission has quite the opposite effect for Adam; instead of ensuring his own happiness, his unwillingness to challenge Eve's decision results in his expulsion from paradisiacal Eden.
God's megalomania results in his defensive behavior. In Julius Schnorr von Carolsfeld's engraving "Creation, Day 1", God sunders the clouds with his hands, separating the dark and the light and from behind him radiate clear beams of the newly created light. In the etching, God looks grim—hardly happy in his creation—but from the commanding and imperious way von Carolsfeld draws his arms, it is easy to see that God is completelyaware of his power and enjoying using it.
Not only that, but God is also shown as looking down on the world and his creations, not out at the viewer, but down as if very thing were beneath him. Von Carolsfeld uses this grim downwards glance as well as the widespread arms to convey to the viewer that God has
The redactors' use of the words 'like God' illustrate that what God fears is not the actual fact of the knowledge that Adam and Eve will gain, but that they will have the same amount of power as he, therefore usurping his place as the omnipotent and omniscient being. That God goes to the extreme of banishing Adam and Eve from the garden of Eden forever to prevent such a thing exemplifies how strongly God covets his position and how willing he is to defend it, by any means.
Artists
Lucas Cranach the Elder : Concise biography
Julius Schnorr von Carolsfeld : An Encyclopedia Britannica article detailing von Carolsfeld's life
Webspiration Chart
Reflection: A Few Words from ShakespeareI must admit that this dialogue turned out far better than I ever expected or hoped. I'm sure we were allotted some amazingly generous time period in which to complete the drafting of said dialogues by the esteemed Madame H_, however typically I did not make good use of said time and ended up writing the entire thing in about twenty minutes the night before it was due. Yes I know, not the type of thing a person's supposed to tell anyone, let alone the teacher that most likely keeps a cosh in her desk drawer to be used upon procrastinating students. But, this is supposed to be an honest reflection, is it not? And there you have it. My product of twenty minutes, jammed full of allusions to my favorite series. Surprisingly, throughout the editing process, I didn't feel it necessary to change anything much. I took out the very blatant references to Monty Python that were probably borderline plagiarism while uncredited, and made a few feeble attempts to add some sort of climax to my ten page slapstick tennis rally.
In the end I either deemed this too much work or really couldn't think of something, but either way, a stroke of brilliance hit while teaching myself to play "Hedwig's Theme" on the piano. Why not, in the midst of all the other one-liners, just add another one, making some joke about how there wasn't even a semblance of a climax, but instead, an anticlimax?
All in all, the script proved to be my favorite part of this entire project, most likely because it was the creative bit. Analytical writing does not come naturally to me at all and frustrates me, causing me, in every analytical piece I write, to reach a point where enough is enough and nothing more is happening to it. This is unfortunate, as I'm certain that with a little more tender loving care, my analytical writing would be quite a lot better, while instead it virtually stays on the same level all the time.
However the analytical writing for this assignment fell under two categories: analysis of another's work and analysis of something that I, Shakespeare, had written (and believe me, being able to say the words "I, Shakespeare," give one a fantastic confidence lift, particularly in matters of writing). The first was like any other analysis I've ever done: hard to relate to because I had absolutely no idea what the author had intended and was instead taking their words and twisting them around for my own use. As an argument-fanatic I say "What's not to love?" and as a fellow writer, I feel a slight pang for the meanings of the long-forgotten redactors.
But with my own words, I had no such problem. Once I had begun to write about a topic I feel strongly about—namely the mighty one's insecurity—I knew exactly what I was going to say and how, and the only problem I thing anyone might plausibly have with the product is the organization.
As for the rest of the project, I don't have much of an opinion either way except on one point: the use of this abominable program, Wikkispaces. I could rant to anyone for hours about the injustices this program did me and the feelings the horribly designed layout brought to the pit of my stomach every time I set eyes on that pasty blue background, but I will spare my readers for now. I'm sure everyone has had enough of my Penelope-rivaling complaining. Suffice to say that, I loved the concept of this project, but after the creative aspects—the dialogue and recording—were over and done with, the rest just made me want to scream.
Citation
Bible
The New Oxford Annotated Bible. 1962. Ed. Michael D. Coogan. Augmented Third Edition ed. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2007. Print. NewRevised Standard Version.
Background Research
"Julius Schnorr Von Carolsfeld." Encyclopedia Britannica. N.p., n.d. Web. 19 May 2010.<http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/topic/527883/Julius-Schnorr-von-Carolsfeld>.
"Julius Schnorr Von Carolsfeld." World Wide Arts Resources. N.p., n.d. Web. 18 May 2010.
<http://wwar.com/masters/s/schnorr_von_carolsfeld-julius.html>.
"Lucas Cranach the Elder." The Artchive. N.p., n.d. Web. 17 May 2010. <http://www.artchive.com/ artchive/C/cranach.html>.
Pictures
Camargo. N.p., n.d. Web. 19 May 2010. <http://www.camargo.eti.br/>.Crawley, William. "An Introduction to the Old Testament: Lecture 1." William Crawley's Blog. BBC, 29
Jan. 2010. Web. 19 May 2010. <http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/ni/2010/01/an_introduction_to_the_old_tes_1.html>.
Giraffe Gobbler. "Eggs Are Processing Their ears." The Urban Prankster Network. Ning, 19 May 2010.
Web. 18 May 2010. <http://improveverywhere.ning.com/profile/WalrusTusk>.
"Kumquat." Wikipedia. N.p., n.d. Web. 18 May 2010. <http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Kumquat-0245.jpg>.
Michaels, Marty. "Top Ten Eighties Horror Movie Taglines!" Marty Michaels. Wordpress, 23 Apr. 2010.
Web. 19 May 2010. <http://martymichaels.comawhite.co.uk/2010/04/23/top-ten-eighties-horror-movie-taglines/>.
Michaels, Mike. "STUDY FINDS ATHEISTS MOST HATED MINORITY; ATHEISTS DON’T BELIEVE IT." Scrape TV.
N.p., 25 Sept. 2009. Web. 5 Apr. 2010. <http://scrapetv.com/News/News%20Pages/usa/pages-3/ Study-finds-Atheists-most-hated-minority-Atheists-dont-believe-it-Scrape-TV-The-World-on-your-side.ht ml>.
"Only a Theory?" Dragnix. N.p., n.d. Web. 19 May 2010. <http://www.dragnix.net/From_tail_to_snout/Theory_of_Evolution/>.
Uliya, Emil. "Libya Voices World's Desire to Dissolve Switzerland." Scrape TV. N.p., 5 Sept. 2009.
Web. 19 May 2010. <http://scrapetv.com/News/News%20Pages/Everyone%20Else/pages-3/Libya-voices-Worlds-desire-to-dissolve-Switzerland-Scrape-TV-The-World-on-your-side.html>.
Weblog post. Lib Art. N.p., n.d. Web. 5 Apr. 2010. <http://www.lib-art.com/artgallery/ 7461-christ-crowned-with-thorns-sandro-botticelli.html>.